For the past few years, I’ve been learning to deal with anxiety and panic attacks. They are difficult because they cause physical reactions which make me believe I am suffering from, oh let’s say, my gut or my heart.

And I am. Mental issues become physical issues.

But I am learning to “reappraise” a situation, see it in a different light. Radical kindness toward myself helps. When the rapid heart beat, the flutter in the stomach, or the headache starts, I ask myself, “what’s going on here?” I say, “I wonder why I am feeling this way.”

I usually know. But in the past I would beat myself up, try to fix it, or ruminate for hours about what a terrible person I was. These days, I reappraise.

An ability to successfully reappraise enables us to reduce negative emotions and open us up to experiencing happiness, even during difficult times.

https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/reappraisal.html

Once you realize there is a strong connection between your thoughts and feelings, which then affect your phyical well being, you are able to shift those thoughts. It’s not about being Pollyanna or trying to make everything all good. It’s more about seeing the whole picture, reframing what is happening in a new light.

How you talk to yourself matters. And for me, looking at the pond doesn’t hurt either. ❤️

With roaring indifference to the frail and imperfect, 
wind flings dead branches and uproots bushes,
sending them sailing.
The trees and I moan under the weight of it all.
I toss aside a broken bough, pruning thoughts under clearing skies.

We survived Hurricane Henri and the remnants of Hurricane Ida. But a poem I wrote last year came to mind as I wandered the beach and then my yard, picking up branches and dead limbs. Those ruminating thoughts can be tossed, too.

A “cleaning of the clutter” periodically helps keep me sane and functioning. I listened to a Ten Percent Happier podcast the other day, a challenge based on the Ted Lasso show (which I love). Joseph Goldstein shared some “phrases for stress” I found helpful. One, “the thought of your mother is not your mother,” helps remind me that what I’m thinking isn’t real. It’s like a movie– no one is really being killed, no one is jumping off a cliff. In our lives, he says, thoughts can cause stress when we take the thought as reality. Some thoughts can trigger emotions.

Thoughts can exercise great power over our life, so remembering that they are only thoughts is helpful.

Three weeks ago, I woke up with severe cramps in my abdomen. Now, nothing surprises me anymore regarding my gut. I’ve had IBS for ten years, and it’s been a long journey of trying to figure out what’s wrong.

After the evening of no sleep, I spent the day nauseated and with a headache. And the next. And the next. This went on for nearly three weeks.

I tried antacids, water, anti-nausea pills, Pepcid, acetaminophen, excedrin, an apple cider vinegar supplement, more water, no gluten, no alcohol, meditation, deep breathing, and numerous other possible solutions.

Finally, one morning it was over. Do I know what “cured” me? Nope.

This is exactly what my new gastroenterologist told me. “Stop trying to figure it out,” she said. IBS can erupt because of lack of sleep, eating the wrong thing, anxiety, stress about what to eat, or taking the wrong supplements. So I am trying to relax and know that eventually the moment (or three weeks) will end. It always does.

But it’s definitely not all in my head.

But it’s not spring yet.

Woooooo, it’s cold out there. But based on the budding trees and plants, I know that warm weather is on the way.

It’s funny how the weather affects my feelings. How I can feel depressed in the gray, cold and so lighthearted when it warms up and the sun comes out.

I’ve been printing a little bit– mostly to try to decide whether to keep on. I have been debating about whether to donate my presses and type when I get back from RI this summer. Yet, I don’t want to regret a quick decision. So in the next few months, I have to see how it goes.

I hope you are seeing some light, perhaps getting vaccinated, perhaps finding ways to connect safely with family.

Keep looking for the sun. We’ll be in shorts and t-shirts soon.