To be courageous is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences. – David Whyte

I have 5 months until I turn 70. Gasp. What is it about that number that gives me pause?

I’ve never been one to think about or worry about age. But this number is the beginning of the decline. Now, I’m not getting depressed or heading into a spiral. But if I’ve learned one thing in the past 15 years, it is to face everything– anxiety, trauma, regret, shame, conflict. Name it. Let it turn around in my brain for a while. And then let it go.

This morning, actually in the middle of the night around 2am, my dog threw up. I woke up to clean it and let her outside, and then I couldn’t go back to sleep. That’s unusual for me these days (since I started taking magnesium and glycine before bed). I felt a slight twinge in my back and I knew I was up for a while, so I headed downstairs to the couch. I first told my brain to relax, that it had nothing to fear, and then I turned on a podcast and the gas stove. The flickering lights calmed me, and I felt myself drifting back to sleep.

This morning, I’m a little tired. But there’s one thing about getting close to 70 that gives me a new perspective. At least I’m not dead yet! I really do want to appreciate waking up every morning to live a life I love, that makes me proud and satisfied.

My anxiety hit me over the head last summer, even sending me to the ER at one point. I knew I had to make some changes. So 5 months of therapy, eating well, and daily journaling has helped. (I tried Lexapro, but it wasn’t for me.)To stay healthy, I’ve become a 90% vegan (LOL), practice pilates on my new reformer, and stretch this body with Over the Hill yoga online. I’ve enjoyed my daily journaling so much, I’m writing poetry again!

I’m going to keep writing here and sending out my newsletter, even though it’s not about letterpress printing. I keep learning, and I love to share what I learn. If you want to unsubscribe, you know where the button is. But this is as much for me as anyone– a way to keep track of things that keep me healthy, both physically and mentally. And it’s also a way to stay connected to the kind and good-hearted people in my life, you!

Onward, friends.

❤️

Turn the sound on and relax….

From The New York Times: It’s OK to grieve the losses…

Releasing stuck emotions

This movie and her write up about it….

Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos has studied the science of happiness and found that many of us do the exact opposite of what will truly make our lives better. Love her podcast

Poetry therapy

Most of my years of blogging have been about starts, stops, and beginning again. (Here and here.)

This fall has been no different. I am finally coming out of months of not feeling well. After so many appointments and tests, which are not quite finished, I have realized how much my emotions play a role in my health.

For 15 years, I’ve carried guilt, shame, and anger. I’m not going to go into details here, but I’ve realized how toxic it can be. So now I am practicing some self-care- again. Daily journaling helps. Meditation helps. And hearing others’ stories on various podcasts helps.

Baby steps.

Lately, I’ve been feeling much better. But I’m not going to fool myself into thinking all is well. Here is what I wrote ten years ago about the same topic! Life is complicated. Emotions are complicated. Humans are complicated. There will be darkness, and there will be light.

And I will be ok.

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” – Madeline L’Engle

This fall I decided to make many appointments. I wanted to try to resolve some health issues I was having.

I wasn’t experiencing anything major- a little dizziness, a few headaches in the morning, a sore tooth. Anyway, each appointment meant a followup. And so on and so on.

When I was close to finishing the appointments (finding nothing huge, by the way), I fell. Yup, right on my knee. And it’s taken me three weeks to not limp! I was determined not to make another appointment, so I’ve babied it, iced it, and basically not slept well.

My exercise plan was shot since I couldn’t really do pilates or power walking. So this morning, I am beginning again. Because at my age, any break in the routine sends me backward. I’ll be gentle with myself today so I don’t re-injure the knee. But I need to stretch and move before I become frozen.

Just when I thought I was getting back into shape, I am starting over.

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What I am reading/listening to:

Curable App (A different approach to your pain)

The podcast that goes along with Curable: Tell Me About Your Pain

Faith After Doubt by Brian McLaren because, well, there’s lots of doubt.

Make it Maya Such a sweet, funny young woman who shows easy vegan recipes. I’d be a vegan just because of her videos!

Update: My fun and kind-hearted pilates instructor reaffirmed to me this morning my leg pain is probably a tendon and will just take time to heal. Nevertheless, it was good to move.