Learn, Think, Write

Organizing myself online

Is it time?

I’ve struggled to find anything new or interesting to say lately. For the last two years, I’ve written daily, both poetry and in my journals. Writing helped me process emotions and feelings that had bubbled up over the past years.

Then, this summer when I’ve had to manage one of the busiest times of my life, I’ve written essentially nothing.

Travel, moving, grandchildren, volunteer work, and illness (darn Covid!) have consumed me. But the good news is I’ve managed well. I feel balanced. And maybe that’s the sign I am moving on, ready to tackle whatever is coming next. Bring it on.

Florence, Italy

Thinking About

Uncertainty tolerance.

I was surprised to see my anxiety levels elevated lately, but I’m coming to terms with it. We are considering moving- either to another house in Fredericksburg or into a retirement community in another town. All this is happening right before we plan a long trip to Rhode Island, my childhood home.

Everything has seemed out of order these days- my sleep, my gut, and my mood have all tanked. When I listened to this podcast at 4am when I couldn’t sleep, I realized my uncertainty tolerance had disappeared. I usually release feelings of control. After all, there is little we can do about, well, most things. But the past two weeks have found me trying to manage stress like this;

  • trying to guess how healthy I will be in ten years
  • structuring my eating on the various books and plans I’ve read about to find the perfect solution
  • reading the MLS for homes at least 5 times a day, “just in case” I miss a house going on the market
  • listening to too many podcasts about how to live a healthy life as an older person
  • buying one more sleep solution (a pill with gaba and juju something or other) to solve my sleep issues

Yes, you see my attempt to control those issues that are causing me stress– are actually causing me more stress. :)

Elissa Epel, author of The Stress Prescription, says “people who tend to be high on intolerance of uncertainty experience experience more stress and anxiety.” A better solution is getting more comfortable with uncertainly and getting used to being “ok” with that, she says.

My intention today is to try to let go, think about what I can control and what I can’t. I’ve let my meditation practice slip lately or I pretend that taking a long walk is all I need. That’s part of it, but I want to be more intentional about my practice.

“Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

Pema Chodron

Now What

Poetry, rather writing, has framed my life as long as I can remember.

As a ten-year-old, I wandered around the neighborhood trying to “sell” my hand-scratched newspapers. Though I never kept a diary or journal regularly, I found myself turning to writing when I needed to figure out what I was thinking. Going through a divorce meant writing my way through it. And then when life became complicated and painful, I turned to poetry.

Having just completed a meaningful poetry/photography project with friend Donna Hopkins about family and aging, I find myself without a plan for my writing. That means putting pen to paper in whatever way feels good– like sketching! I’ve learned to let go of perfection- like the yellow sky in the sketch here that drips into where the water should be. Or the published poetry that should be in a different form. It’s the process, I’ve learned, that matters.

Wherever I am in my life (and whoever I am), I’ve discovered I need to create. I don’t like to cook or garden, but give me a pen and I’m content.

Czesław Miłosz once wrote:

The purpose of poetry is to remind us
how difficult it is to remain just one person,
for our house is open, there are no keys in the doors, 
and invisible guests come in and out at will

An Ending and a Beginning

When I browse the archives of my posts, I discover the words “starting over” many times. Now, here I am at the end of something again. My project with friend and photographer Donna Hopkins has come to a natural conclusion, a year of photo/poetry collaboration and much more. Her explanation shares all you need to know about our project, so please visit her site to see more photos and the focus of the year-long partnership.

Donna’s photos provided me with much inspiration to write– about aging, parents, failure, friendship, and life. Her photography perspectives gave me an opportunity to consider different perspectives in my writing. I was finally writing for myself. Our book holds truth, pain, joy, and vulnerability of who we are, of what these moments at this point in our lives reveal.

This bittersweet conclusion won’t end our friendship, though. In fact, I am hoping we will leap into another creative adventure before long. We share much in common, and working with Donna is a joy. She brings out the best in me.

So now, another beginning. Creativity connects me to myself, provides a window into who I am.

Let the next project begin!

Time to Think

Houses line my daily walk,
small, some old, a mansion
on the hill, the dog park.
I never veer, so my mind
tucks into itself, stepping
one thought after another.
Bright sun spoofs me
with winter’s bitter breath.
I am the stranger
walking by your house,
waiting for spring flowers,
a revelation, a peek of yellow 
or perhaps radiant rose.

Peppers in my kitchen grow
under lights, lush leafy green,
higher each day. A sign
of what has been planted
and what is to come.

Whole Brain Living

I’ve been following Jill Bolte Taylor since she had her stoke. Imagine at the age of 37, losing your capacity to talk, read, write, or recall the history of your life. But she recovered. And she has studied her healing every since.

Today I decided to listen to a podcast as I took my afternoon walk. I flipped my finger on my phone until it landed on Ten Percent Happier, a podcast I rarely miss. However, I hadn’t heard this one with Jill Bolte Taylor. Wow, I was so focused, I nearly tripped over a tree root.

Here’s a brief summary I’ve copied from her website. (I’ve now bought the book on Audible!)

She says: Our Four Characters take turns running our life. Our Character 1 goes to work, our Character 2 wants to make sure we are safe, our Character 3 gets us outside to play in the sun, and our Character 4 comes out when we feel grateful and connected to others.

Call a BRAIN Huddle, she says, when we want to make sure we are being who we want to be.

B for Breathe: Our breath is always with us.

R for Recognize: Once you bring your mind into the present moment, recognize which of your Four Characters you were exhibiting when you called the BRAIN Huddle.

A for Appreciate: Regardless of which character called the Huddle, appreciate the fact that you have four different characters and ask them all to participate in the Huddle.
(This is particularly important when our fear-based Character 2 has been triggered and could use some support.)

I for Inquire: Invite all Four Characters into the huddle, so they can collectively voice their opinions and consciously strategize your next move.

N for Navigate: Life is made up of sequential moments and once our Four Characters are all in the BRAIN Huddle, we then have the power to choose which character we would like to have come out next. This is how we own our power, and no one can take our power away from us. With all of our Four Characters gathered in the BRAIN Huddle, we can choose moment by moment who and how we want to be.

I have to admit, this brings out my Character #2 in full force and makes me want to take a nap! But her explanation of it on the podcast has given me a reason to learn more.

Practice this 20 times a day, she says. It takes an instant “pause.” Become familiar with the characters. It’s like learning a new language.

I do love learning.