To Read or Not to Read

October 5, 2022 ·

I hope Jenna doesn’t mind me using her photo from last night here. She was amazing, as were all the other readers at the Water Street Writers open mic event.

I’d brought three poems to read, just in case. But I had a feeling I wouldn’t read, beginning a few days ago. I spent my life in front of people: teaching, talking to parent groups, and speaking at technology forums. Presenting seemed easy, natural. Then I went through some life changes that, well, changed my life. Suddenly, I experienced anxiety, gut issues, and sleep problems. I ignored them for a few years, but then realized I needed to learn how to manage them.

After two or three years, I do feel like I *can* manage (not fix) them. And one way is to honor what I am feeling. I try to say “yes” when I mean yes, and I say “no” when I mean no. I knew if I read, I would feel the flutters in my stomach turn to waves. Then I’d have gut issues that wouldn’t subside for days. And I probably wouldn’t have slept last night.

I *chose* not to read. Instead I totally enjoyed sitting outside in the freezing weather listening to my Water Street writers read. The evening was relaxing!

I have become more introverted as I age. I crave solitude. Nothing makes me happier than writing, listening to podcasts, walking on the beach, or sitting in a garden. That’s not to say I don’t love my friends. It was so good to see the writers whom I usually only see on Zoom! So many smiles, so many hugs.

The past few years have taught me to honor my feelings and do what is important for my body. I don’t always make the right choices, but they are choices. That feels right.

What I’m reading/learning:

This

A Simple Movement for Joy

Start Where You Are

The Loveliness of it All

October 4, 2022 ·

I was never much of a hugger. Being a New Englander, and earlier having all ancestors from England, I tend to be a little stand-offish.

But I’ve had a few hugs lately that have warmed me from the the top of my head to the tip of my toes. Coming home from Rhode Island means seeing friends after months away. And after Covid (and now double boosted) and not hugging at ALL, I find a need to grab friends and hold on for a few moments.

This morning I had one of those hugs from someone I don’t see very often. After a long squeeze, we caught up, and I found myself answering her questions about family, Rhode Island, travel, and poetry. It was so affirming. I ended the quick conversation with “Life IS good.” I hadn’t said that in a while, and it felt almost overwhelming to admit. I can wallow around in dark places for too long when I start thinking about my health/aging/loss issues.

Landing back here in Virginia was hard. I missed Rhode Island desperately, and being here felt strange and awkward. I mentioned to David how loud it is. We live on an emergency route, so we hear sirens all day and night. People walk home from bars and restaurants late at night and laugh- loudly. Dogs bark. Cars and motorcycles roar their engines. It’s almost too much.

I do berate myself for getting mired in this– after all, I have two really cool places to live, food to eat, heat for my houses, and children/grandchildren I visit with regularly.

But it was good to feel like I was getting over the hump this morning. It was good to realize again what lovely friends I have here. I could feel the weight lifting.

Home Again, Home Again

September 22, 2022 ·

But where is home?

When people ask where I am from, my answer is: Rhode Island. But I live 3/4 of the year in Virginia and have for more than 45 years.

It’s complicated. I have a love of all things New England, and I find the peace and solitude of my grandmother’s house to be just what I need. People have asked why we don’t move there full time. But our kids are all in the VA area (or close enough to visit), and we have friends and a history here, too.

So we “wobble” back and forth.

I do wonder how long we will be able to keep this up. Packing and unpacking, a horrible 9-hour drive, forgetting things and having to rely on friends in both places to keep us going, and simply the stress of living in two different places will eventually get to me.

Until then…..

Summer learning:

I am writing poetry inspired by my friend Donna’s photography. We have much in common, and we are finding those links in our work and conversations. What a joy it has been…

Learning to sleep again is a challenge. I seem to get a system that works for a while, but then I need to shake things up. For the time being, one of these and two of these help.

My favorite podcast lately is Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen. Her most recent with Estelle Frankel has me searching for Estelle’s book.

Now it’s nap time– the effects from the booster vaccination must be kicking in!

Taping My Mouth

September 4, 2022 ·

I love to read. But I haven’t mastered the art of organizing what I’m learning.

So I often read something, try it, and then forget it’s something I want to do. Like keeping my mouth closed!

Last year I was tested for sleep apnea and discovered I have a mild case. Sleep is much improved if I sleep on my side AND if I sleep with my mouth closed. I actually read the book Breath by James Nestor last year and learned so much about how we should breathe. It’s definitely worth your time.

However, like many things, I tucked the book away (or returned it to the library) and promptly forgot about it. When I was going through withdrawal for my headaches, I remembered that Nestor said headaches were often the result of sleeping with one’s mouth open.

I’m back to mouth taping and side sleeping– and it helps!

The larger question for me is why I struggle with doing what works. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I have developed a morning routing that -for the most part- I am able to stick with. Adding nose breathing back into the mix isn’t so hard. I am even trying to maintain this during my daily walks!

Today I am going to organize thoughts from books I’ve read in the past two years. I imagine I will find myself saying, “Oh, that’s right!!!” several times.

Still, better late than never.

A Headache By Any Other Name

August 26, 2022 ·

I used to take two Excedrin every morning.

For years.

When I’d visit my primary care and mention it, she’d ask all the right questions, but nothing seemed to help. I finally got an MRI. Two actually. I tried Craniosacral therapy, nasal sprays for slight allergy, and deep breathing.

When I started getting secondary headaches in the late afternoon and needed tylenol or ibuprofen (no Excedrin late in the day because of the caffeine), I decided to read about rebound headaches. Ahhhh. Perhaps I was taking too much over-the-counter medication. Most people recommend no more than 15 days each month.

So I stopped cold turkey. The first few days were painful, but lots of water and deep breathing seemed to help. I kept telling my brain that there was nothing to fear, that the pain would soon subside. And it did, finally.

We will see how it goes. It seems unlikely that more than 20 years of daily headaches will be over just like that. But reading this today also supported my belief that pain can be managed.

Although I awoke in the middle of the night for other reasons, I awoke again this morning headache-free.

Now let’s continue to work on those middle of the night issues :)

Other things I’m reading:

Her poetry

I put this book on hold at the library (and look at the poetry on my friend Donna’s site while you are there/ She tells wonderful stories through her photos)

“You still have your problems but they are not on the shore” A film worth watching….