Category: emotions

Ten Years

scm

When I was about to turn 60, I decided I should start a blog for 60-somethings, a journal of sorts to remember and share what I was going through. I couldn’t believe I was that old! Well, I think I managed one post before I abandoned it.

And now I am about to turn 70, which sounds about as old as 60 did ten years ago. The only thing that’s changed is how I look at the world, myself, and my relationships.

I will continue sharing what I’m learning here. I can’t wait until I am almost 80 to see if my topics have changed. Somehow I envision lots of posts about getting older, and that’s ok because that’s where I am. That 18 year old, sitting by the side of the road in Amsterdam with a loaf of bread and a hunk of cheese, thinking she was all that and more, had no idea how her life would turn out. There have been many dark times, moments filled with regret, days when I wondered if I was losing my mind. And yet here I am, excited about this next decade and feeling grateful for all I have in my life.

Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.–Gilda Radner

Stay tuned.

But I Wanted Blueberry

scm

Not really. The hazelnut ice cream melted in my mouth and soothed raw places left by new invisilign braces. Homemade, at that. The ice cream, not the braces.

But the eating was preceded by a discussion.

“What kind do you want?”

“Um, I really don’t care.”

“You decide- it’s Mother’s Day!”

“But what do you want?”

He picked hazelnut, and I was fine with that. Just typing that word gives me chills because as a child I was “always fine with that.”

As I let the cold ice cream slip down my throat, I replayed the conversation in my mind, wondering if I had given in or if I really didn’t care. Sometimes it’s hard to know. I’ve been waffling for so long.

This time, it really didn’t matter. But I wish I’d picked.

If You Can’t Say Something Nice

scm

I hate the word “nice.” It’s been used to describe me one too many times.

I suppose being nice is better than being a bitch, but nice, which rhymes with rice, another bland something, is the opposite of spice. Now spice–that has gumption.

Nice is another way of saying–no backbone, boring.Being nice started early in my life, when I heard my mother even when she wasn’t around, saying: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Not a bad philosophy I suppose, but when being nice begins to shape who you are, then you’re in trouble.

Being nice translates into “don’t confront,” “don’t disagree,” don’t speak your mind.” All dangerous. These moments translate into stupid, dangerous, and careless moments. A drink too many, a lie allowed to grow, saying yes when I should have said no.

When I left a previous job, the editor said: “All the niceness has now left the office.” She meant it as a compliment, but I knew better.

You Have No Regrets Scheduled Today

scm
Photo by Fahmi Fakhrudin on Unsplash

When I opened my calendar email today, I instead of “no events” I saw: You have no regrets scheduled for today.

Now that is a sign from the universe. Perhaps I’ve been spending just a little too much time in the past.

Part of my wellness plan is staying in the present, which is so important for mental health. I tend to go back, rethinking decisions and go forward, trying to predict outcomes. Instead, I am learning to take a deep breath and focus on being right here, right now. It was difficult at first, but it’s becoming easier.

Self care means asking myself “what do I need right now?” Sometimes it’s a nap, and often it’s a walk. This also helps me make good food (and alcohol) choices. Yes, these routines are easier in retirement. But I wish I’d learned to focus more on myself when I was younger. Worrying about what everyone else thinks drains me. It can be downright debilitating.

The biggest shift for me, though, is trying to have no regrets– I did what I could with what I had at the moment. And meditating on that keeps me present.

Things I am reading and listening to:

Self-kindness meditation from Ten Percent Happier

Forgive yourself for who you used to be

Food to eat (or not) for gut issues

Yoga for anxiety

My Introverted Self is Way Too Happy to be Alone

scm
Photo by Jeswin Thomas from Pexels

I’ve been telling people the pandemic hasn’t really bothered me because I am an introvert.

Normally, I am a balanced introvert. Friends come over, we attend parties, and we take trips. And, I’ve learned when I need some alone time or have scheduled too many visits, I need to say “no.” When quarantining became our way of life, I slid into the mode easily. I set up new routines to get through the day: coffee and reading in the morning, printing or putzing around the house before lunch, walks with the dog and naps on the couch in the afternoon, wine late in the day in front of the fire, dinner by candlelight, and then my favorite shows on Netflix or Hulu at night. I’m fine, I said to my husband. But then I realized I was enjoying this way too much.

Now I’ve had both vaccines. I am starting to see opportunities for gathering. I’m making plans for travel. And I’m feeling nervous and slightly anxious about all of that.

What? Not happy? Not grateful to be able to see others? Of course, I miss my close friends and family. But I have this sense I’ll have to dig out of my safe, quiet place of solitude. I know if I don’t, I may just stay here. It’s too comfortable.

Why isn’t that ok? Experts know that being alone comes with its own problems, regardless of your age. Our children and teens and have suffered from being separated from their friends and activities, and elderly show more signs of dementia and health issues when isolated. Studies show that death comes earlier to those who don’t maintain social connections.

So I am making plans to join society. Like a bear in hibernation, I am getting ready to emerge. Bears probably have it easier because they are hungry! But I need to say “yes” on occasion, and I need to be intentional about starting to make plans with friends.

“Lockdown ending gives us a lot of options about how we want to live our lives from now on,” says Emily Hu, a licensed clinical psychologist in this article.

I’ve learned how much I like being alone during the pandemic, but I’m not going to hibernate forever. My mental health matters too much.

It’s all about boundaries.